The Canadian National Newspaper: Transsexual Torontonian explores gender identity, sexual orientation, and gender expression

Transsexual Torontonian explores gender identity, sexual orientation, and gender expression

One of the things I've found hardest to resolve during my transition is that I don't really fit the mould of a 'typical transsexual.' I've always liked playing sports, chasing girls, and other 'typically masculine' activities. I've seen movies like Transamerica and Priscilla: Queen of the Desert but never quite identified with the transsexual protagonist of the story -- the whole 'woman trapped in a man's body' thing never fully explained the feelings within me.

This is one of the reasons I thought of myself as a crossdresser for so many years - a regular straight guy who happens to get turned on by wearing women's clothes, and 'pretending' to be female. Deep down, I knew it was more than a fantasy or kink, but I couldn't resolve the fact that I was very masculine in many of my actions, despite my longing to actually be female. If I were always interested in dolls, fashion and other stereotypically-female interests, I would have had an easier time accepting my transsexuality; as it was, I was more drawn towards stereotypically-male things such as math, sports and aggressive activities.

Part of that was simply overcompensating to cover my own issues; I didn't want to be a 'sissy' so I always fought anybody that teased me, and I never let my friends know that I was more than curious about being female. But there's always been a genuine part of me that enjoys sports, fights and arguments, as well as flirting with women, 'chasing' them aggressively, and having sex as the dominant partner.

When I decided to transition, I felt pressured to abandon these parts of my nature, so as not to seem too masculine to be a 'true transsexual.' In order to receive treatments necessary to my transition (like hormones) there are benchmarks that one must meet, and certain 'professionals' that one must convince before they'll open the door to hormone therapy or body modifications through surgery. I felt pressured to be a 'convincing transsexual' with no doubts about her true nature.

Essentially, I was trading one inappropriate stereotype for another, equally-inappropriate one.

This is not to say that all transsexuals are simply acting out a stereotype; like all stereotypes, there is a large portion of the trans community that fits the mold perfectly - that's where the stereotype comes from in the first place. But to assume that every transperson fits the mould is just as inaccurate as saying every white person can't dance, or every black person loves fried chicken.

What helped me finally understand the difference was realizing that our 'sexuality' is actually made up of three distinct, inherent traits: subconscious sex, sexual orientation, and gender expression. All of these are inherent to everyone, and all exist independently of each other.

First, subconscious sex: the way you 'see' yourself. For the vast majority of people, this matches your physical sex, the sex you are assigned at birth based on your genitalia. However, this isn't the case for everyone. There have been numerous cases of children born physically male who, often due to a botched circumcision or other medical procedure, are altered to appear physically female, and are raised as such. The most notable among these cases was David Reimer, who, after a botched circumcision, received hormone treatments, multiple surgeries, and was raised as a girl. Yet he never accepted this as his 'true' gender, and after experiencing great hardship, he reverted to life as male. Sadly, the ordeal caused David to take his own life when he was 39 years old.

Despite the obvious failings of the medical and psychiatric community in this case, this suggests that the brain has an inherent understanding of its own sex, independent of the physical body and the socialization that follows. There have been many people, in all cultures, eras and societies, who have subconsciously seen themselves as a different sex than the one they are assigned at birth. Some cultures have been more accepting than others, and in some societies, including many Native tribes of North America, there was a special status and unique societal role for those that might be considered 'trans.'

I've always felt like there was something that didn't align properly within me. I wouldn't go so far to call it 'gender dysphora' (the pathological term employed by the psych community) because I never felt overly distressed as a male; but I would certainly say the term 'gender dissonance' applied - a general discomfort with my assigned gender. Before I was old enough to understand sex, I would see myself as female in my dreams, and would take any opportunity to dress in my mom's clothes. It couldn't have been a sex thing, because it didn't turn me on when I was six years old; it just made me feel right, and when I looked in the mirror while dressed as female, it was like I was seeing my true self for the first time.

However, when I became aware of transsexuality, and started researching the subject, I noticed that a lot of the stereotypes didn't fit for me, namely that 'true transsexuals' (as defined by the psych community) were exclusively attracted to men, and didn't enjoy any form of sexual gratification. This didn't fit at all; I thoroughly enjoy sex (as often as possible) in terms of orientation, I've always been emotionally attracted to both women and men. In my quest to figure out who I am, I've been with all kinds of different partners, and all of these experiences taught me something new about myself, even if I didn't realize it right away.

The first slew of women I slept with didn't do that much for me; they were typical “ditzes” who just lay there and waited for me to do all the work, and when I wanted to cuddle before sex, they weren't very receptive to it. This made me question if I was actually gay, so I experimented with various gay men, both as a top and a bottom, to see if that did anything for me -- but it didn't.

Most of them were tolerant of the clothes, hair and makeup while we were out on a date, but once we went to the bedroom, they would say: ‘ok, can you take off the disguise now, so I can have you as a boy?' Immediately, all the excitement disappeared, because I didn't want someone to be attracted to me as a boy -- I needed to be with a someone that wanted me, and was attracted to me, as a girl.

But since I accepted my need to be female, I've found satisfaction with both men and women (often at the same time) and I now identify as 'pansexual' -- attracted to the person, not the gender. The human body is an endless source of pleasure, but the mind is where 90% of that pleasure occurs -- thus, I've found myself more attracted to personalities than sexual organs. No matter how sexy you think you are, you won't turn me on between the legs if you can't turn me on between the ears.

Anyways, the hardest part to resolve was always my gender expression. I'm drawn towards many typically-masculine activities, and that's not merely a product of socialization -- my parents were open-minded enough to let me pursue whatever activities interested me, regardless of traditional gender stereotypes. Some of those were traditionally masculine activities - sports, fights, math, camping with Boy Scouts, debating, science, etc. Others were traditionally feminine activities - drama, music, cooking, sewing, etc. I always did well in Home Economics -- in fact, the first badge I ever received in Cub Scouts was the House Orderly badge.

The point of my exhaustively-detailed background piece is this: gender identity has very little bearing on sexuality or personal interests.

This is evident in the broad range of 'sexualities' exhibited by people across the world. There are people whose sexuality is the complete opposite of their gender expression ('lipstick' Lesbians, for example, or 'straight-acting' gay men) and people whose sexuality and gender expression naturally matches that of the opposite sex ('butch dykes' who closely resemble straight men in attitudes and sexual preference; 'flamboyant' gay men who resemble straight women in their attitudes and sexual preference), yet never doubt their own gender identity or subconscious sex.

Indeed, many of these 'flamboyant' gay men are more feminine than many women, and much more feminine than I am, and there are many straight, non-trans women who are more masculine than many men, and even more masculine than me. But this doesn't make them lesbians, or trans-men - it just makes them women with a more masculine gender expression.

Additionally, there are many people that have a gender expression that doesn't match their physical sex ('metrosexual' men come to mind, or 'tomboy' women) yet never doubt their subconscious sex or their orientation; they just happen to be interested in things that are traditionally 'masculine' or 'feminine.' The fact that there is such a broad range of sexuality, gender identification and personal expression should suggest that there's nothing absolute about gender; and that the traditional models of what is 'masculine' or 'feminine' are less static then previously believed.

The real problem is that we're taught from very early age that men and women are opposite sexes. This doesn't allow for any variation, but reinforces only the two extremes. If men are large, women must be small; if men are smart, women must be stupid; if men are strong, women must be weak. It's obvious how wrong these statements are, yet that's the assumption one must make when viewing people through a lense of opposition.

At the end of the day, all these 'opposite' designations -- women VS men, gay VS straight, trans VS non-trans -- aren't opposites at all; they're all part of a spectrum, with all sorts of variation and differences, independent of each other. The problem is, society tends to reinforce the narrow-minded view that there are two sides to every story, with no middle ground; it's black OR white, with no shades of grey; you're either male OR female, gay OR straight, masculine OR feminine -- you can't be in the middle of the road.

I say, to hell with that!!! Everyone's an individual, with their own sexuality, identity and expression. If you let society determine who you are, and how you act, you're perpetuating a stereotype that's just as fake as any other - it takes real courage to stand up, deny the so-called status quo, and be yourself.

I'm proud to be a transsexual, and despite all the difficulties and problems I face, I feel incredibly privileged to be part of such a unique group of people. We're strong, intelligent, and have a perspective that nobody else can ever match. And above all else, we realize that, no matter how the world expects you to act, you're never going to be happier than when you cast off those chains, and experience the true freedom of simply being yourself.

Life's too short to spend all your time living up to everyone else's expectations. So relax; just be yourself, and everything will turn out ok. Trust me on this one.

Nikki S. is a transsexual from Toronto, currently attending U of T. Her goal is to become a psychologist specializing in trans-related issues and helping others in the trans community. She also appears regularly at Goodhandy's as one of the 'Diamond Girl' dancers, and is involved with several community and political organizations working to improve the lives of transpeople everywhere.' E-mail: LINK

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