The Canadian National Newspaper: Dirty Talk: The Other Oral Sex

Even for people who are sexually open, the act of talking dirty -- or 'erotic talk' as most of the experts call it -- can be a bit of a stumbling block.

It achieved infamy on a late, great Seinfeld episode when Jerry tried unsuccessfully to talk dirty with his girlfriend, asking her if she was wearing the "panties that your mother laid out for you."

In an effort to overcome that kind of awkwardness, here are some tips on how to talk the talk. Apprehensive? Well don't worry -- erotic talk is really nothing to fear. It's a very healthy way of sharing an erotic experience. As Dr. Carol Queen, author of Exhibitionism for the Shy says, it's just another form of sexual communication.

"Today I can ask for exactly what I want sexually, and learn my partner's preferences, via direct questioning and fantasy talk. Communicating this way will maintain -- even heighten -- our level of arousal."

If the very thought of erotic talk makes you want to take a lifelong vow of silence, there are a few baby steps you can take. Dr. Queen suggests working on your shyness by talking out loud to yourself while you're masturbating. Don't worry if you can't muster up a coherent sentence -- just making sounds is a good start. As Dr. Queen says, "If you think erotic words or phrases while you coo and gasp, you will find that as you get more turned on, the words will superimpose themselves onto the sounds."

It's important not to blow erotic talk out of proportion. You don't have to prepare notes or talking points on cue cards. At its core, you just have to express yourself. Giving and receiving feedback during sex is the best starting point to engaging in erotic talk. Saying that you really like something that your lover is doing counts as erotic talk, so repeat after me: "I love it when you do that."

Move from general phrases like the one above to more specific phrases like, "I get so hot when you lick my nipples..." or whatever it is you like having licked.

Asking your partner questions while you're having sex is another effective erotic talk technique. Just like when you're having your eyes examined by the optometrist, ask your partner if (s)he likes it better "like this" or "like this." When they tell you which method they prefer, ask them why. Bingo! You're engaged in an erotic conversation.

As you continue, keep communicating. Find out what you can do to make your partner happier by asking, "What can I do to make you come?" My optometrist has never actually asked me that question, but I always wish she would.

Vocalizing how you're feeling, how you want to feel, and what you want to do is the very essence of erotic talk. Once you're comfortable with that, you can branch out into more fantasy-filled conversations where you don't necessarily have to be talking about what's actually taking place in the bedroom. When you use words to express whatever your fantasies are, you can place yourself in absolutely any erotic situation you want.

When you can't, for whatever reason, be in the same room as your partner, put your erotic talk to good use, let your fingers do the walking, and engage in the some phone sex. It's the safest sex you'll ever have and as Bonnie Gabriel writes in her book, The Fine Art of Erotic Talk, "A telephone tryst can serve as a vehicle to keep your romantic feelings alive, to enhance intimacy, to build erotic anticipation, and to fuel your sexual fantasies."

Gabriel suggests a number of ways to phone it in, like having an erotic conversation every night before bed, setting up the phone call with an anticipatory playful email during the day, and including erotic details that are "specific to your partner and not just elements of sex in general." (Best to use your 'hotmail account' rather than the office email system for this one).

When it comes time for your orgasm (i.e. 'eargasm'), Gabriel says "If you find yourself becoming too aroused to continue talking, express your growing excitement through your breathing, sighing, and other passionate sounds. Remember, your voice is the only line of connection with your lover here, and you want to keep that line flowing with sexual energy."

And when you're done, say a little prayer for Alexander Graham Bell. If he only knew what he started...

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