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Transgender Dating: Breaking the Ice in the First E-mail

by Chantel K. Williams

  Tgirl walking

Male looks at Tgirl walking by.

How do you date a transgender woman? Are there certain “dos and don’ts” for asking a transgender girl out on a date? What should you say in the first e-mail? If you’re like most men, you probably met a transgender woman in either an 'online' chatroom, dating website, or social network. Along the way, you checked out her photo, profile, and common interests.

The key word is “common interests” and mutual compatibility. So, you fire-off a quick email. Yet, you failed to tell her what you are looking for in relationship or first meeting. Try to look at your first e-mail as a” business card.” It is a way of introducing yourself and exploring possibilities. Remember when you purchased that first greeting card for that special person…you took your time!

In your first email, try to include a brief description, common interests and contact information (i.e. phone, IM or website etc.). It is entirely up to you whether or not to send a picture on the first or second email. But, it is important to send a recent picture and not a photo of you ten years ago. It is not a good idea to sent nude, pet or ex girl friends pictures. One guy sent me an email that said, “We met at Scott’s party.” Don’t try to be too familiar and act like you know me. This approach will get your email deleted faster than telemarketer at dinner time!

Also, guys don’t ask for additional pictures, stupid questions or marriage proposals. The idea is to get to know the person and find out whether there is any chemistry or not. Don’t send an email with sexual overtones or suggestive comments. It implies that you are only interested in sex instead of trying to get to know the person. Below are some examples of good and bad emails:

“Hot male is seeking sexy Shemale in the Seattle area. Need a sexy Tranny for hot fun and adventurous encounters.”

It becomes annoying to be always treated like a sexual object or some piece of meat. If, sex is the main reason for dating a transgender women; there are plenty of websites offering various types of sex. In addition, it might be a good idea to use the right terminology. Some transgender women (i.e. transgender is an umbrella term covering crossdressers, transvestites, transsexuals, etc.) do not like being called tranny, he she, or shemale. Here is a different approach to the first email.

“Thanks for the note. I am 35, live in Montreal, and stand 6’1.” I am Information System Analyst. I do a lot of writing and reading (both for pleasure and work). Love to visit museums, art galleries and local beaches. A glass of red wine and a good movie is my way of unwinding after a long day. I am rather athletic and jog regularly to keep the mind free and fresh. What else to say... don't want to brag too much. If and when you get time please do drop me a line or two. Looking forward to hearing from you. Take care.”

Melanie (left) and Alyssa (right) are Tgirls from the United States

Melanie (left) and Alyssa (right) are Tgirls from the United States.

The email was brief and straight to the point without any overly romantic gestures. This person told me a little about his interests and it gave me some insights into his personality. Guys you want stand out in the crowd and at the same time don’t come off too cocky. Keep the email honest, brief, and to the point. There is no need to go into details about past relationships, painful divorces, or sexual fantasies. Never send the same message to other transgender women or “copy and paste” email from another message board. This is an absolute turn off.

Most transgender women are not interested in married men or men on the rebound. So, get your affairs in order and then decide what kind of relationship you want. What do transgender women want? We want the same things any other woman wants… We want a guy who is intelligent, attractive, witty and of course charming. In short, when asking a transgender girl for a date; it is important that you come off confident but not too over the top.

Ask transgender person a question about their interests or suggest a nice quiet restaurant. It might be fun to attend a yoga, aerobic, or cooking class together. Most importantly, try to be yourself, honest, and straightforward. Transgender women are not interested in someone who has “issues” and “drama” in their lives. Guys take the initiative to call or arrange a date… persistence counts. The worst thing a guy can do is to not return emails or phone calls. Remember the saying “make the first impression count” because most people place more emphasis on perception than reality.

About the writer:

Chantel is a novelist, essayist and writer living in Los Angeles. She describes a common thread in her work as “ a voice of passion existing within a fabric of diversity.” In 2003, Chantel participated in the on line chat following the presentation of Georgie’s Girl.” The PBS documentary featured Georgina Beyer who became the first transsexual legislator elected to the New Zealand Parliament. LINK

Her novel “Inside Straight” is schedule to come out in May of 2008. Chantel is co- founder of the Transgender Health Forum and a member of the Unity Fellowship Trans Men and Women Leadership Council. LINK

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