Ten Signs You Are Drunk

(GuySpeak.com) -- A lot of drunk questions land in my inbox. Some about their actions while drunk, some asking if they drink too much and some obviously written while the questioner was incredibly drunk.

So, how do you know you are drunk? Everyone has been tipsy, but out and out drunk? Luckily, there are graduated warning signs for the initiated.

10/ You suddenly find everything funny.

Sitcoms, news, sports, a Discovery special about Hitler, all become grist to your hilarity. If you start finding Carlos Mencia or Dave Letterman funny, call 911 and request a stomach pump immediately.

9/ Every problem in the world is suddenly solvable with a cliche or a platitude.

It doesn't matter if it is the Maple Leaf's starting line up or world hunger, you have the answer to the problem. You have now entered what people who work refer to as "the boss zone." Drink more, or risk being stuck here when you sober up.

8/ Your mouth takes on a life of its own, irrespective of what you really want to say.

Sadly, your mouth on its own turns out to be far wittier and better company than you are when you have some control over it.

7/ You are immune to cold and heat.

We have all seen them. Snug in their beer coats and perfectly happy making snow angels in socks and a T shirt in sub zero weather before heading back into a bar. Where it is 100 degrees and 99% humidity and they still do not break a sweat.

6/ You convince yourself you can sing.

If you actively look for a Karaoke machine to monopolize, your friends are also incredibly drunk or have moved to the stage of laughing at you, not with you.

5/ You turn into Patrick Swayze, Dirty Dancing era.

You can normally barely manage to walk down the street without falling over, yet suddenly you can dance like a demon and want to, nay insist on it. This is one of the nicer effects of drinking. It doesn't last.

4/ When someone calls you on your dancing, you move on to Roadhouse without passing go and collecting $200.

Somewhere around your fourth spin round the dance floor, someone looks at you funny, complains that you stood on their foot, eyes up whoever you are dancing with, or, worst of all, laughs. You immediately go to Defcon 4 and flush the silos of all weapons you have.

3/ You develop an immense hunger for fats, grease and questionably hygenic food from food carts.

Ever seen the queue at a food cart or an all night mart or a kebab shop when the clubs let out for the night? Stuff you wouldn't be seen within 50 feet of is suddenly being pushed down your throat. By you. If you have made it to this point of the night sober(ish) it is a harmless source of amusement to watch veggies chowing down on bacon sandwiches. It is something about the smell ....

2/ Everything suddenly becomes crystal clear.

The universal harmony is right there for you to touch. The basic interconnection of all humanity is yours for the grasping. You are filled with a profound love for all beings. Note - drink again so that this stage lasts for approximately 30 seconds. Otherwise who knows what you are going to wake up next to. You really won't want to find out.

1/ You notice that you are a spinning mote.

Even though your body repeatedly tells you it is kneeling on the floor and holding onto the toilet bowl like grim death while it clears the excesses of the night.


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