Transgender: Becoming a Woman

( -- Do you dream of life as a woman 24/7? Is it reality or fantasy that drives you? Many of us have fantasized about becoming a woman; waking everyday with silky smooth legs & curvaceous bodies. Gliding in high heels, wearing makeup, garter-belts, and stockings and blending in. Enjoying our feminine self without any hecklers or unwanted remarks. For some this is more than fantasy, it is a life long objective just within reach.

There are so many t-sisters out there searching for happiness convinced that they would find it in womanhood. For a very few, some who are truly transsexuals – woman trapped in a man’s body -- they do find happiness. For too many others it was but an empty illusion. As cross dressers we experience such joy in the female role that some seek that joy all the time. But one must recognize the illusion they experience. When we put on our frocks and frills and step out in our high heels (or stay in), we enjoy the magic of that moment. But it is just that – a moment. For a fleeting second in time we have found our own utopia, but can the experience really be sustained?

First off, many of us do not dress because we are displaced women in a man’s body. Dressing provides an escape from something; whether it is an over bearing mother, father or wife, a release of the pressures of ones job, an ability to express a part of one’s self more comfortably through a female persona, sexual gratification or any other of dozens of descriptions. What am I saying? I am saying that it is great in a limited space of time, but to do it everyday may not be the dream one imagines.

When many men dress they leave the problems of life with their male identity and escape into the wonderful carefree life of womanhood, and it can be delicious. However, when you seek to be a woman all the time you re-enter back into the real world. Your previous problems, from which you were trying to escape, are no longer escapable as a full time woman. Moreover, the problems are still there except your have to now deal with them as a woman, which is not an easy task. I have had so many men say to me “I am so relaxed as a woman.” Perhaps they are relaxed because they have escaped the day to day grind and pressure of life. Many CD’s when they are in their “I have to dress” frame of mind can’t think of anything else. They will put off important issues until they are done, an hour – a day or a week later, knowing that they will return to the issues at hand when they are fulfilled. Many times they return feeling renewed and refreshed. But if you were living as a woman you could not put these things off; they would be part of your life and have to be dealt with timely.

Not only does transition mean dealing with life “as” a woman; it means experiencing life “not” as a man. Many of the benefits of being a man will disappear, and there are many benefits in this society to being a man I assure you. I am not trying to prevent anyone from pursuing their dream of transition or full time dressing, I am simply saying. - STOP – think about transition and make sure you have thought it through. Despite the politically correct assumption that all things are equal, for woman they are not..

Moreover, a woman has been practicing her assimilation into society all her life – from childhood through the teenage years right into adulthood. She has been prepared to live in society as a woman, learning her strengths and weaknesses as well as the advantages and setbacks. You have not. A man who was used to certain access, attention and respect may be very frustrated by the new lack of it. Many trannies say to me “I get so much attention as a girl, more than I ever did as a man.” Honey that is sideshow attention, you are the spectacle, the organ grinder monkey. The monkey gets lots of attention – what does that really mean? Would you get more attention and respect at work, and getting a loan, making a business deal, or is it only at the tranny bar? Give that some real honest thought..

In 1985 I had a dear friend, she was called the International Chrysis. She was tall, feminine and beautiful ala Rita Hayworth. She was a bombshell who was very comfortable in her gay sexual orientation, unlike many cross dressers who have internal struggles over whether they are gay, BI or heterosexual. She had started hormones at the age of 16 and in her 30s -- with an hourglass figure and 38-C breasts -- at times would question her decision.

I spent many nights with her as she cried saying “what have I done, I am a monster.” When I asked what she meant she said, “I should have just been a gay man.” I was stunned. How could this be? She was beautiful, feminine and had no question about her sexuality - she liked men. She was a natural candidate to be TS, yet still had internal conflicts.

People assume that everybody fits into a clear mould based on certain factors, I certainly did. Chrysis struggled with life as a woman spending most of her time androgynous in her hairstyle and clothing. Only during a night out, or doing a show did she portray the illusion of a woman, and even then referred to her makeup and wig as drag. “Let me get out of this drag” she would say at the end of the night.

It was only a year or so before her death that she let her hair grow and began to accept and portray the role of a woman. She even landed a speaking part in the movie Q & A with Nick Nolte shortly before her untimely death, and was the subject of the documentary Split. (She is greatly missed!)

A current friend is on a fast track to transition; the hormones are flowing, breasts are growing, skin softening and surgery is being planned. When she is complete - does that make her a woman? She still reacts like a man, has the temperament of a man, thinks like a man and has the libido of a man. So with the body of a woman what is she? I conclude she is still a man. My very dear friend Teryl-Lynn Fox (the former Miss Gay Louisiana  and countless other titles), who has been living as a woman for over twenty years, said it best. “Womanhood is something you have to grow into, it is not something you just become. It is a journey that evolves – changing continually.”

Many of my other friends struggle for a sense of understanding. Is my current friend a gay man looking for validation? Does she think in her mind that to be with a man would be O.K. if she were a woman? Sexuality plays a huge underlying role in the lives of many cross dressers. Another friend once told me “I am not gay, I am only with men when I am dressed up.” “Does the dress make a difference” I asked? To him it apparently does. This is not to portray that all cross dressers are confused about their sexual orientation, because there are many that are very comfortable in their heterosexual orientation. But then that would make them lesbians wouldn’t it? On second thought, that is another article all together.

“Your body is the taxi that carries YOU around” I once wrote. Who you are is what this article is all about, inside you, your heart, your spirit and your soul. Don’t rush off in hope that transition will make your life better; find out who you are first. When you get in touch with that, then, and only then are you ready to deal with a life altering decision.

If you have the spirit of a woman and really want to bring your body in line with “you”, which you believe in your very bones should have been a woman, then transition makes sense, but absolutely anything less is a tempting but empty fantasy.

As always, be happy, be safe, and think pretty.


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